my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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