"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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