Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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