nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
