I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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