There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
