dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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