get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
