I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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