i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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