My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize