My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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