so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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