WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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