New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
