it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
