My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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