My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
