I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I look better un-naked...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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