I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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