i need an iv and a liver transplant
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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