I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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