I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
