Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
