I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
