dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
