allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sorry about my life...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
