You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
