He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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