whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize