Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Found your dick twin last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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