Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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