My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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