Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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