they need to just BURY HIM!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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