So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
