We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
