Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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