hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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