i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
