I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
