So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
