Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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