someone threw a dead crab at me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
