My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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