I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
