i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She needs sedatives and a leash
be right there i have to get my cape
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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