im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
