rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
