So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
