I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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