My underwear smells like fireworks.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
As shirtless as possible
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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