Kiss
Puke
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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