Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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