You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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