Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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