so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
