Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
