OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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