the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Enjoy the penises
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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