I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
