I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
