Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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