She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize